Dear So and So, Bosnian version

Having found writing the postcards to my family the other week to be a most enjoyable post, I decided to take on Kat's challenge and write a Dear So and So post; postcards to all those people who need to be told something.

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Dear Bosnians,

You can be a Bosnian and a non-smoker. The two categories are not mutually exclusive.

Yours, gasping for air,
Fraught Mummy
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Dear Bosnian tradesmen,

The key to a good job lies in the detail. For example, putting in a power socket is a good thing. Plumbing a hot water pipe directly in front of it is not so clever.

Wearily yours,
FM
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Dear Bosnian Kitchen Fitter who fitted our kitchen,

The drainage board is there to permit the water from drying utensils to drain away (the clue is in the name). In order to do this it requires somewhere to go. When you decided to cut short your job by half an hour and chose to not plumb in the pipe that goes from the drainage plughole to the water outlet thing and decided to superglue the whole thing shut, it sort of ruined the whole drainage board idea.

Yours and getting pretty grumpy about constantly having to slosh out the water from the sink,
FM

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Dear Sarajevo,

You're getting a multi-screen cinema? With online booking? We might have to move.

I'm buying the popcorn in preparation,
FM

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Dear Tuzla,

You do not have a cinema. You have a cultural centre that occasionally (and I mean occasionally) shows films. The other place you insist is a cinema has been shut for over a year. How about following Sarajevo's lead?

I'd like to be buying popcorn in preparation but am not holding my breath,
FM

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Dear Bosnian pedestrians,

You are the bottom of the pile in the street hierarchy. I can only admire your confidence in wandering out into the road without looking at all, before ambling along in front of my car.

Hoping you have a long and happy life,
FM

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Dear Bosnian Drivers,

I'm English. When I see people on the pedestrian crossings I stop. I can't help it, it's in my genes. I appreciate this constitutes as dangerous driving here. I am dong my best to curtail this impulse.

FM

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Dear Bosnian Drivers,

Please stop honking me at traffic lights. I can't go before the light turns green. I also can't go when there are people crossing the road in front of me. I'm not traffic light telepathic either, I don't know when they are going to change.

Yours, in a fluster,
FM
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Dear Bosnian Drivers,

Thank you for flashing your lights to indicate a police check ahead. I appreciate this very much. Long may this tradition last.

Blowing you all kisses of appreciation,
FM

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Dear Bosnian Grannys,

When the boys eat a whole lot of chocolate they WILL go a bit hyper, run around, shout loudly and behave appallingly. This is why I don't give them chocolate very often. If you really want to give them chocolate then please do, but only a little bit. And if I say that's enough, please don't give them any more. If you ignore me and continue handing it over, please don't be surprised if they break things in your house or if Adam is sick. Just saying.

Yours, trying not to be a killjoy but also wanting an easier life,
FM

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Dear Bosnian hosts,

I have never seen so much food. I've eaten so much I really do think that I will never be able to eat again. Please don't be offended that I've turned down 4th helpings. The food is delicious, I simply can't eat any more.

Yours, many pounds heavier than I was earlier,
FM

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Dear Bosnian women,

How on earth do you manage to turn out such enormous feasts with such a small amount of workspace in your kitchens?

Deeply impressed,
FM

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Dear Bosnian women,

How on earth do you manage to do all the washing up on little or no hot water?

In awe,
FM

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Dear Bosnians,

What is the obsession with sofa beds? I get it for when they are in the sitting room. But in your bedrooms as well?

Sitting uncomfortably,
FM

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Dear Bosnians,

If you get real beds then you can also invest in fitted sheets. Fitted sheets are a good thing. I miss fitted sheets a lot. I feel you will embrace them too.

In a right old tangle,
FM

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Dear Pedestrians,

Do they teach you to always gather in places where it will cause the most amount of trouble? When you stop at the top of the escalators no one else can get off with out piling into you. Keep on moving.

Grumpily yours,
FM

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Dear young and supremely glamorous Bosnian girls,

I didn't know it was possible to get into jeans that tight. Nor did I know that hotpants were made that short. Nor did I think it was possible for so many long legged beauties to gather together outside of a Milan fashion show. I feel most dowdy beside you.

Yours, without make up and with no hairdryer,
FM

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I could go on forever here, but feel this is enough for right now. Other Bosnian residents, anything else fundamental that I've missed that you'd like to add?