Dear So and So: Bosnian Edition Part VIII

I've been sharpening my pencil over the past couple of weeks and I've got plenty to say. So here are the postcards that I wish to write to all and sundry.

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Dear Next Door Neighbour,

We have repeatedly asked you not to feed our dog. She gets fed enough at home and doesn't need any more. But as you insist on doing so, we can't take responsibility for the fact that she now has now learnt that if she sits outside your window and barks she will get more food. Stop feeding her, she'll stop barking.

Yours, hoping to not have to put the dog on another diet,
Fraught Mummy

PS - that pink shirt and shoes combo are a striking look.

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Dear Bank, Car Importers, various municipality officials and anyone else who requires a stamped piece of paper,

I can't even start this postcard. I'm thumping my head on my keyboard and crying with frustration. Surely it can't be this time consuming? There must be an easier way!

Yours, as cross as ever,
FM

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Dear Slana Banja,

As ever, the ice rink is looking great. Now the snow has finally arrived it looks like something out of a movie. We're looking forward to a bit of a skate this weekend.

Thanks for putting it together,
FM x

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Dear Nursery,

I'm totally LOVING the idea of an ice-skating week. So is Adam. It is genius. I think the British education is missing a trick. When you are 4, it is far more enjoyable to spend the mornings learning how to skate than doing writing drills.

FM x

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Dear operators of the lung x-ray machine in the Dom Zdravija

My friend and I were wondering... do you have to recalibrate the machine to take into account the black layer of coal dust and general winter grime that must coat the lungs of every Tuzla resident?

Hack hack
FM

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Dear hacking cough that is sitting in my lungs,

Enough already. You've been here for quite long enough. I'm not a smoker, I don't deserve to sound like a 60 a day one. Now go away.

Yours, overdosing on the cough mixture,
FM

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Dear other neighbour,

I know that you lift up a part of the fence, push your dog into our garden, wait for him to do his business before calling him back out. I've seen you do it. It is disgusting. It is also something that you are embarrassed about because every time you see me you look shifty. Can you take you dog to the green area over the road, and, novel concept here, could you pick up his poo when he is done? It's called responsible dog ownership.

Yours, fed up beyond belief of picking up the poo of dogs that I don't own from our garden,
FM

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Dear boys,

Um, this wrestling phase? How long is it going to go on for? A friend of mine who is one of two boys says it could last about a decade, maybe longer. Can I suggest that that might be a bit long for me? At the very least, could we learn that Mummy doesn't do wrestling? Or pretty much any other female come to think of it.

Your more into the hugging and kissing,
Mummy xx

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Dear Tuzla municipality authorities,

Tuzla is situated on top of a salt mine. There is no way you can ever run out of grit to salt the roads. It is an impossibility. So could you get on with gritting the roads, we're slip sliding all over the place here.

NaCl-ly yours,
FM

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Dear self,

The Bosnians are bought up to drink coffee. They don't react to the massive caffeine dose in the same way that your poor, unaccustomed body does. So, they can drink coffee in the evening and still go to sleep. If you drink coffee with everyone else you will be awake all night. It is not as if there aren't a wide range of teas available, and you do know that the rosehip tea is lovely.

How many times do we have to go through this before you learn?
FM

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Dear EUFOR (the European military forces in Bosnian)

I was feeling pretty safe in Bosnia. Right up until the point that you plastered the city with posters saying Bosna je sigurnan (Bosnia is Safe/Secure). You see, if you are feeling the need to tell me that Bosnia is safe, then I'm immediately concerned. Countries that are safe don't need to say it.

Yours, wondering if you should be rethinking this poster campaign,
FM

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NB: I know that quite a few of the Bosnian words here aren't spelt correctly, any Bosnian readers please put me right.

Fancy a go? Head on over the 3 BedRoom Bungalow in Crazy Town and make sure you add your name to the list so we can come and read them.