Friday, 29 January 2010

Dear So and So: Bosnian Edition Part VIII

I've been sharpening my pencil over the past couple of weeks and I've got plenty to say. So here are the postcards that I wish to write to all and sundry.

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Dear Next Door Neighbour,

We have repeatedly asked you not to feed our dog. She gets fed enough at home and doesn't need any more. But as you insist on doing so, we can't take responsibility for the fact that she now has now learnt that if she sits outside your window and barks she will get more food. Stop feeding her, she'll stop barking.

Yours, hoping to not have to put the dog on another diet,
Fraught Mummy

PS - that pink shirt and shoes combo are a striking look.

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Dear Bank, Car Importers, various municipality officials and anyone else who requires a stamped piece of paper,

I can't even start this postcard. I'm thumping my head on my keyboard and crying with frustration. Surely it can't be this time consuming? There must be an easier way!

Yours, as cross as ever,
FM

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Dear Slana Banja,

As ever, the ice rink is looking great. Now the snow has finally arrived it looks like something out of a movie. We're looking forward to a bit of a skate this weekend.

Thanks for putting it together,
FM x

*************************************************

Dear Nursery,

I'm totally LOVING the idea of an ice-skating week. So is Adam. It is genius. I think the British education is missing a trick. When you are 4, it is far more enjoyable to spend the mornings learning how to skate than doing writing drills.

FM x

**************************************************

Dear operators of the lung x-ray machine in the Dom Zdravija

My friend and I were wondering... do you have to recalibrate the machine to take into account the black layer of coal dust and general winter grime that must coat the lungs of every Tuzla resident?

Hack hack
FM

*************************************************

Dear hacking cough that is sitting in my lungs,

Enough already. You've been here for quite long enough. I'm not a smoker, I don't deserve to sound like a 60 a day one. Now go away.

Yours, overdosing on the cough mixture,
FM

**********************************************

Dear other neighbour,

I know that you lift up a part of the fence, push your dog into our garden, wait for him to do his business before calling him back out. I've seen you do it. It is disgusting. It is also something that you are embarrassed about because every time you see me you look shifty. Can you take you dog to the green area over the road, and, novel concept here, could you pick up his poo when he is done? It's called responsible dog ownership.

Yours, fed up beyond belief of picking up the poo of dogs that I don't own from our garden,
FM

*********************************************

Dear boys,

Um, this wrestling phase? How long is it going to go on for? A friend of mine who is one of two boys says it could last about a decade, maybe longer. Can I suggest that that might be a bit long for me? At the very least, could we learn that Mummy doesn't do wrestling? Or pretty much any other female come to think of it.

Your more into the hugging and kissing,
Mummy xx

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Dear Tuzla municipality authorities,

Tuzla is situated on top of a salt mine. There is no way you can ever run out of grit to salt the roads. It is an impossibility. So could you get on with gritting the roads, we're slip sliding all over the place here.

NaCl-ly yours,
FM

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Dear self,

The Bosnians are bought up to drink coffee. They don't react to the massive caffeine dose in the same way that your poor, unaccustomed body does. So, they can drink coffee in the evening and still go to sleep. If you drink coffee with everyone else you will be awake all night. It is not as if there aren't a wide range of teas available, and you do know that the rosehip tea is lovely.

How many times do we have to go through this before you learn?
FM

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Dear EUFOR (the European military forces in Bosnian)

I was feeling pretty safe in Bosnia. Right up until the point that you plastered the city with posters saying Bosna je sigurnan (Bosnia is Safe/Secure). You see, if you are feeling the need to tell me that Bosnia is safe, then I'm immediately concerned. Countries that are safe don't need to say it.

Yours, wondering if you should be rethinking this poster campaign,
FM

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NB: I know that quite a few of the Bosnian words here aren't spelt correctly, any Bosnian readers please put me right.

Fancy a go? Head on over the 3 BedRoom Bungalow in Crazy Town and make sure you add your name to the list so we can come and read them.

31 comments:

Kat said...

Britain also sits atop a salt deposit and yet, no grit either. WTH, Britain, wth??

angelsandurchinsblog said...

Dear Brit in Bosnia

Apparently, this wrestling 'phase' is anything but. They continue whacking, pulling and rolling around with each other until osteoporosis strikes.

Yours, in sympathy,

angels & urchins

Autumn in jeans said...

I'm the same way with coffee. I love it, but I have to remember to switch to decaf after 3pm or I'll be up all night too.

Your neighbor that lets his dog poo in your yard pissed me off for you. What a jerk. If it were me, I'd take a zillion plastic bags out there, grab up the poo and dump it on his front porch each and every time he did it. Maybe after a few times he'd stop.

Teacher Mommy said...

Oof. Life sounds stressful right now. I feel for you, really I do. However, I think it makes me feel a wee bit better that I'm not the only one.

Michelle said...

Amazing, what an excellent post. I could never even begin to be this imagainative! Ice skating at school - how cool is that? Mich x

Crystal Jigsaw said...

I hope your neighbours buy a pooper scooper. Perhaps they might even use it.

Great post, CJ xx

nappy valley girl said...

I do love these - more, please!

Oh how you will miss all these Bosnian foibles once you are safely esconced in Oxford....

goonerjamie said...

Sadly hilarious, I feel your various degrees of pain. Maybe a postcard to God for all the Cosmic F**key is in order?

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Brilliant as always. Shame on your neighbour though!

Reminds me that I have a few postcards of my own to fire off.

xx

Jo said...

We had a neighbour who let her dog into our drive every morning to poo. We tied the dog up, phoned the owner and asked her to come and get her animal - and bring a shovel. It never happened again

hampshireflyer said...

My mother dealt with a neighbour mis-feeding her cat by explaining that said cat had a medical condition and would collapse into an instant state of rigor mortis if she were fed anything besides her specially prescribed and incredibly expensive vet food.

TheMadHouse said...

Dear Fraught Mummy

I too have wrestler, fighters and tantrumers.

I am also a no coffee lady or I am like the duricel bunny on acid!!

Owen said...

Respect, Jo!

Lynn said...

I think you should start putting your dog in the other neighbor's yard. Give him a dose of his own medicine.

:-)

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

Kat - I never knew that! Tuzla actually mines the stuff out, the town is sinking because of it - so seriously no excuse!

A&U - Dear A&U, I was dreading that answer. Seriously? They are never going to stop? I'm resigning! You also have my sympathies, BiB x

Autumn - sadly, she lives in a block of flats so I'd be pissing off a lot of people if I did that. I'm obsessively checking to see if they are doing it and then storming out looking cross.. seems to be working though :-)

TM - Actually, life isn't too bad! The postcards just bring out the worst narkiness in me!

Michelle - feel free to take on the dear so and so idea, it was Kat's idea and she does a regular Friday slot. It isfun, so do give it a go!

CJ - I'm not sure you can buy pooper scoopers here. Sadly there are so many stray dogs, I don't think me picking up my dogs poo makes much of a difference, and even if other owners did then there would still be loads about. I just want her to stop sticking her dog into my garden. Grrrr.

NVG - Thanks! As for Oxford, well there's plenty of foibles there...

GJ - Good idea!

VBC - ooo, goodie! Can't wait to read them.

Jo - I like it, I like it.

Hampshire Flyer - This feeding the dog thing has gone on since we got here. It drives me demented. Being a retriever she is so greedy and will push and push for more food. I'm just embarrassed that she is harrassing people for it and am hoping this isn't a new habit that she has got into!

MH - you, me, Angels and Urchins, Nappy Valley Girl, Some Mothers Do Ave Em. There should be a special place (preferably quiet) where mothers of boys can go for a rest! But I love my coffee, just not after lunch time.

Owen - agreed

Lynn - Sadly they are in a block of flats with an open bit of grass which cars can drive over, so I can't leave our dog there.. she'd be into their bins in a second. I'm just scowling and grrrring in. She knows it is unacceptable - the Bosnians don't think it is ok to do this either!

rosiescribble said...

I sense it was very therapeutic to post that! What is with your neighbours and dogs?? Hope your cough improves. Sending a hug because I think you need it. x

Mwa said...

Your neighbours are awful-crazy! You should do what Jo said. Excellent!

Footballers Knees said...

Fantastic post, FM, best laugh I've had in ages. The Other Neighbour's behaviour is disgusting, I'd collect and transfer it all back over their side. Or better still, deliver it to their door. Or would the repercussions be different in Bosnia to here in conservative sleepy Somerset? Perhaps.

Muddling Along Mummy said...

Fabulous !

I'd be concerned if they put up signs saying it was safe around here ... !

Lady Mama said...

That gave me a chuckle! Your neighbours sound charming! (joke) And yes, the coffee, I sometimes convince myself it's a good idea and it's really not!

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

RS - thanks! I'm actually doing ok at the moment, can you imagine the Dear So and So were I to start getting REALLY cross. Well I am really cross with the dog owning neighbour, but I'm perfecting the art of the zen...

Mwa - Thinking about it. It is not like this is acceptable behaviour in Bosnia either, she knows she is naughty.

FK - I'm glaring at her apartment. Terrible little yappy dog as well. Grrrr.

MAM - I know! I felt safe before they felt the need to tell me that i was safe...

LM - really it isn't. Really I must learn. I mean how many times do I need to do it before I remember that I can't drink coffee after lunch.

Metropolitan Mum said...

So the dog came back. Great!!
Always look on the bright side of life, lala. lala. lalalalalalala.

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