Monday, 19 October 2009

Things I have said to my husband*

The scene: Domestic bliss. I've just started cooking dinner, just popped down to the shops to pick up some onions and veg and am cutting chicken. The boys and their Daddy are upstairs splashing around in the bath. All is well with the world on a Sunday evening.

Cut to squawks and screams from upstairs. Mainly from the adult.

- everything alright darling?
- I can't hear you!
- No I can't come upstairs, I'm in the middle of cooking.
- Luke's done a poo?
- In the bath?
- what do you expect me to do about it? I'm in the middle of cooking.
- can't you just clean it up?
- are the boys out of the bath?
- yes, well done for wiping his bottom.
- it's still floating in the bath?
- ok, I didn't need to know that it was a sinker and not a floater.
- is it in one piece?
- what do you mean you want me to clean it up. I'm in the middle of cooking and I've got chicken all over my hands.
- why can't you clean it up?
- what's it worth?
- yes you can finish the cooking.
- and do the washing up.
- for a week.
- what do you mean you don't know how to clean up the poo?
- get a plastic bag and some bathroom cleaner.
- could you make more of a song and dance out of it?
- alright! I can't stand it any longer. I'll do it.
- yes you should put the boys pjs on. I'm in the bathroom cleaning up poo.
- and give them their milk.
- ok, everything is clean.
- yes I did scrub the bath.
- what do you mean the flannel was in the water?
- the toys were in the water too?
- why didn't you mention this before I came downstairs and started cooking again?
- washing up for a week.
- seriously.

*with thanks to Millenium Housewife, who pioneered the 'things I said to...' genre


A Modern Mother said...

Glad to know I'm not the only chief poo cleaner around!

Tattie Weasle said...

Floater and sinkers - and then having to clean all the toys as well. It's amazing how helpless your other half can be at moments like those! Definitely washing up duty for him... for a MONTH!!!!

Very Bored Housewife said...

Men! Why are they such pansies when it comes to poo? We've had pretty much the same experience although the poo was on the bathroom floor, and yes I had to stop cooking to deal with it whilst t'husband looked on pathetically.

ck said...

Hilarious! Why is it that men lose their gross factor after they become fathers?

nappy valley girl said...

That's one good thing about being married to a doctor. He is much happier with gross bodily substances than I am, and only too happy to clean them up. He also has a very poor sense of smell....

whistlejacket said...

Lol, men are ok as long as everything runs smoothly aren't they? I can imagine my husband being just the same.

Muddling Along Mummy said...

What IS it with men and poo?

I've never seen Mr Muddling move faster than when Toddlergirl pooed when they were bathing together when she was tiny - from his cries of dismay you'd have thought he was stood in a bath full of toxic waste

Good bargaining on your part though !

Michelloui said...

hahahahaha!! they're all (almost) the same... ;)

Nicola said...

This was so funny! I hope you make him keep to his end of the bargain where the washing up is concerned...

Troutie said...

I don't think a month's washing up was nearly punishment enough.If he can deal with his own poo he should be able to deal with his offspring's!

Potty Mummy said...

Yet again, we're cleaning up their shxt...

(Sorry - couldn't resist)

Ellen said...

Yuk - why do they love to poo in the bath? It happened to DH once when I was out visiting my Dad in hospital so he was FORCED to clean it (he expected a lot of sympathy for that).

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

MM - mother and poo cleaner, spelt the same!

TW - helpless doesn't even start to describe it. Grrrr.

VBH - I have no idea. Maybe it is their kryptonite?

ck - I don't know! Because small boys definitely love a bit of poo.

NVG - Good choice of husband! They don't tell you of these type of things before you have kids...

WJ - I know! What does he think happens if he's out and I'm the only one in the house during such an event? It gets dealth with....

MAM - Dave was the same when Luke did that as a tiny baby. Toxic waste is a good description

Michelloui - I think it must be in the genes. Ability to deal with poo lost when they become a father (and therefore need to deal with it!)

Nicola - I'll try!

Troutie - exactly.

PM - in so many ways.

Ellen - we've been lucky, only had 3 such bath poo episodes and that isn't bad going with 2 small boys. Maybe we should have had more then Dave could have learnt to deal with it!

Iota said...

Ah, the old 'poo in the bath' favourite...

... said...

you are awesome! i love this partial monologue. men are useless when it comes to these things- my son recently out of the blue threw up all over his dad who almost dropped him in the midst of trying to escape the waterfall of goodness. i took the boy to clean up and get the clothes off, later to find out his father wiped the whole kitchen with a freshly washed tea towel, which i a week later had to throw in the bin, as it turns the smell simply refused to leave the material. the state of the floor and the cabinets was grim. smell bounding and pattern glowing. aweful. why didnt you clean it properly? the towel got dirty. blah blah. the usual. but the poo story is funny! it happened to us once too. im pretty sure i had to ditch it out. have a sweet day lady! you rock!

bad penny said...

oh this is hilarious ! my husband has had to clean out blocked loos on yachts...he uses an aqua vac on suction mode...I so don't want to use that vaccuum !

goonerjamie said...

This was so hard to get to the end of. I often find it difficult to read when eyes are full of tears and belly is starting to split. Would like to say I have not had a similar conversation, but it would be a lie. Hilarious.

Metropolitan Mum said...

I only now discovered this. HAHA. Thank you. And good night :-)

Lady Mama said...

Very funny. I haven't yet encountered a poo in the tub. And I fear the day it happens. Maybe it won't?

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

Iota - the old ones are always the favourites.

... - Thanks. That does sound a bit of a nightmare, hope you got the smell out in the end.

BP - My stomach is turning at the thought!

GJ - a man owning up to inability to sort out poo. YOu are a rarity.

MM - glad you enjoyed it.

LM - that's what I thought.....