Friday, 18 December 2009

Things I have said to my children: The snowtime edition

It's still snowing here. I hear that it is snowing in England too. With luck, not too many of you will have to repeat what I found myself saying earlier:

- Look at all that snow boys! Lets go outside and play!
- Want to build a snowman?
- Yes we can throw snowballs.
- No, I prefer it if you don't put snow down my trousers.
- Before we go out everyone has to do a wee.
- Because once we have your waterproofs on it is very difficult to get them off. Much better to do a wee now and then we don't have to worry about it.
- Why are you saving your wee up?
- Because you want to make pretty patterns in the snow with it.
- Ok. Right. I think it is probably better if we do wees now. What happens if we were playing where you did a wee?
- Yees, we would be playing in yellow snow. That isn't a good thing darling. We don't like yellow snow.
- Are you SURE you don't want to do a wee?
- Ok, fleeces on.
- Luke - can you hear me? Come and put your fleece on!
- Luke! Stop taking the Christmas tree decorations off the tree and come and put your fleece on.
- What do you mean you don't want to go outside. Look at all that snow! It's brilliant playing outside in the snow.
- I know we played in the snow yesterday.
- And the day before.
- But it was great. We loved it.
- You're bored of playing in the snow?
- You know that it hardly ever snows in England. Think of all those English children who'd love to come and play in the snow right now. (realise at this point I am starting to sound like someone wittering on about starving children in Africa, with Bosnians the over privileged snow wasters and the Brits the snow starved charity cases - decide not to pursue this tactic any further)
- We are going to go outside.
- Luke, STOP pulling the lights off the tree.
- Where's your fleece gone Adam?
- Adam?
- Is that my bra you've got on your head?
- No, we can't pretend to be aliens and caterpillars. We are GOING OUTSIDE TO PLAY IN THE SNOW
- LUKE! Have you just fed one of the Christmas decorations to the dog?
- COME BACK HERE BOTH OF YOU!
- Ok, you have your fleeces on. Now lets put on our trousers.
- Luke, stop hitting Adam please.
- Oh just put your trousers on - both of you.
- Adam, don't hit Luke.
- Boots.
- Stop chasing each other, stop screeching, stop laughing at me and once I've put something on you DON'T TAKE IT OFF.
- You have to wear gloves. Your hands will freeze otherwise and they are best put on before your coat so that they keep you nice and warm. (oh sweet jesus, I have had enough of this. Shall I just let them go out without gloves and freeze their little paws off?)
- Who's just walked through the house with muddy boots?
- No, you are right, I did tell you to keep your boots on but I didn't tell you to go and get your Tractor Jigsaw.
- The Tractor Jigsaw is not going outside.
- BECAUSE IT IS NOT.
- Hats!
- Because it is -5C out there and you will freeze.
- I'm hot too. That is because we are still (bloody well) inside. If we ever manage to get out of the (f*cking) door then we'll be the right (f*cking) temperature. (deep intake of breath, forced smile and slightly weird manic staring eyes)
- We are going outside because playing in snow IS FUN (said through gritted teeth and with clenched fists)
- No we are not going to go to the Yellow House Pizza Place.
- Because we are going to play outside in the snow and because the roads are ice rinks and all the cars are slipping around all over the place and I don't want to drive ANYWHERE.
- Daddy wouldn't drive either.
- Ok, everyone ready? Phew it is hot in here with all our winter stuff on, lets get outside and play in that snow! (hmmm that wasn't great, but it is better than last year when Luke was still in nappies and he'd always do a poo just when we were ready to go out.)
- What do you mean to you want to do a poo?
- Um, no I'm not bashing my head against a wall. I'm just resting it a little.
- Have you been in the laundry basket?
- No we are not playing caterpillars and aliens with the one nice bra I own. Because we are not. Because it is mine and the one of the only things left that is sacred from the Before Boys era - only apparently no longer sacred - relegated to being a caterpillar head.
- Why have you taken your boots off?
- ARRGHGHGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHH Some one come and rescue me! I'm losing my mind - it is a form of Chinese water torture but worse because I have to keep on trying to be nice.
- That's a record boys. Only one hour from deciding to go outside to actually making out the door. (note to self: The boys do not understand sarcasm. It may make you feel better but it isn't big or clever. Grow up, act your age and rise above it.)
- See! It is such fun outside. Aren't we having a nice time.
- You've had enough of playing in the snow already? No, I do believe that you have to stay outside for at least as long as it took us to get ready to go out.
- Yes I like the summer too. Only a couple of months to go now.
- I can't wait either.

Enjoy the snow, you Brits.

(with thanks to Millenium Housewife who invented the Things I have said genre and writes them so much better than I ever could!)

*****************************************

Spare us a thought this weekend. We're off on our Christmas trip which involves an estimated 15 hour drive (in good conditions) through 6 countries. Current forecast: Snow. If it takes us less than 3 days to get there I'll be amazed. But we are passing through countries with good food on the way so we may get diverted to stuff our faces with all the things we can't get here.

Anyway, I probably won't be doing much on the blogging front until after New Years, so have a good one, all of you and try to stay sane. x

26 comments:

Mummy Zen said...

So this is what I have to look forward to when my son's a bit older! Your Christmas trip through 6 countries sounds great - hope the snow doesn't make it too difficult for travel and have a great time.

Sarah said...

I have coffee up my nose. And it was hot.

I blame you for making me laugh while I was trying to breathe and drink at the same time.

That took me back LOL, I only had one mini tornado conspiring to make things as complicated and impossible as humanly possible so I take my hat off to you.

Alice said...

oh my... you do make me laugh so much! Brilliant post!!!!!!

Belle_Lulu said...

Am giggling helplessly. You sound so much like I do! When you return to the less frozen wastelands of Britain I should very much like to combine our forces of sarcasm over some form of beverage. Preferably when the children AREN'T there!

Mine are whinging that everyone else in the entire country has snow except us. I will read your blog to them. If only so that I can giggle at it again myself!

L xxx

Michelloui said...

Love this reasoning: 'you have to stay outside for at least as long as it took us to get ready to go out'

Ive just been doing something similar (different version) with the nearly 12 year old, but secretly I didnt really want to go out in the snow. I just felt we SHOULD, as its here. Weird logic, I admit.

Now Ive postponed it till 'later' and we're making mini cupcakes instead. We're both much happier!

London City Mum said...

FM - remind me to introduce you to my daughter (aged 5) when you return to Britain. She does sarcasm even better than I do.

Wonder where she got it from?

Love the post, v v v funny. And almost too close to home for comfort!

LCM x

p.s. safe trip x

Mwa said...

Have a good trip!

Kat said...

We had snow (about 3 inches) and a 14 hour power cut. Hooray winter. Bah!

TheMadHouse said...

I am laughing my head off, I am a bad mother and let mine do out and freeze, they soon come back in and get wrapped off correctly!!

Have a wonderful Christmas and joyfilled new year

Catharine Withenay said...

Oh, it all sounds so familiar!

Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year! Travel safely.

Teacher Mommy said...

Thank you for the chuckle! Not so much for the terrifying glimpse of my not-very-far-off future, however.

Athena125 said...

Have a safe trip. And don't forget to wave if you're driving through Slovenia!

Metropolitan Mum said...

Oh Lord. Aliens and caterpillar with your bra??? I have never been happier to have just one little girl.

nappy valley girl said...

This made me laugh so much! One of your best yet. The aliens and caterpillars with bra sounds so much like the Littleboys....

We are now forecast to have a blizzard tomorrow so I could be having very similar conversations this weekend....

Dot said...

Happy Christmas! Hope you have a good trip.

Brings home to me that the getting-ready thing is going to get even worse (at the moment only one of mine takes things off as soon as I put them on. The other one just spits up all over them.)

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

Mummy Zen - one on their own isn't too bad. It is having 2 of them which means they can cause trouble whilst you are concentrating on the other one that causes me the headaches!

Sarah - Is this is a new skill? Sorry about the hot coffee and nose combination but glad you enjoyed the post!

Alice - thanks x

BL - Yes please! Def without children.

Michelle Oui - love the mini cupcakes idea. I figure that I'm not spending an hour of pain getting ready to then have it all over in 10 minutes!

LCM - Yes please!

Mwa - thanks. Belgium not one of our European odyssey countries so can't give you a wave, but next time we are in your direction I'll let you know.

Kat - we had power out too, but only about 30 mins. 14 hours! Is that a third world country you are living in there?

MH - Like your thinking.

CW - Thanks, you too.

TM - laugh while you can - your boys will be just the same....

Athena - we are indeed, moving from Zagreb to Trieste we will be crossing Slovenia somewhere along the way. If we see Ljubljana we may well stop and have a coffee!

MM - aliens and caterpillars isn't the half of it. Stick with one little girl.... but I may send my boys round to teach her some tricks.

NVG - Our four together would be a right sight. But I think they would all have a great time and we'd be able to have a cup of English tea and some stodgy cakes. Good luck with the snow, report back on your success levels at getting them dressed to go out. If you do it without shouting, I'll recommend you for sainthood and may never talk to you again. x

Dot - thanks. Sounds as if it is all coming your way! It is great.Really. No it is. Just need a massive sense of humour injection on a regular basis!

Muddling Along Mummy said...

Snort ... and red wine over laptop screen ... that's so funny !

Liberty London Girl said...

If you are chking yr comments, then you WON the lovely Bathing Set giveaway on my blog! LLGxx

Mamma Po said...

Oh blimey. And there was I hoping that boys got easier as they got bigger. Respect for keeping your swearing (and sanity?) in brackets. S'now joke.

Mud in the City said...

Brilliant. Good luck on the marathon road trip! If nothing else it should at least provide a lot of blog fodder...

Babies who brunch said...

Very funny. And I'm with you on the childish joy over snow. I just love it. And have been so disappointed to miss out on the bucket loads elsewhere in the UK....

Happy Christmas.

The wife of bold said...

Happy New year Emily!!! Hope you all had a lovely xmas with your penis shaped biscuits lol! I've tagged you into a meme over at mine...enjoy x x

The wife of bold said...

Happy New year Emily!!! Hope you all had a lovely xmas with your penis shaped biscuits lol! I've tagged you into a meme over at mine...enjoy x x

A Modern Mother said...

Snow forecast again this week...

Heather said...

this all sounds so familiar. Only 5 more months before the snow melts! Sigh.

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

MAM - red wine and lap tops. That is my kind of blogging.

LLG - Brilliant! Thanks.

Mamma Po - Boys, you have to love them. Easier as they get bigger... no, but funnier. Despite best efforts, swearing sometimes doesn't always remain contained in brackets. Damn.

BwB - Have you had any snow now? Got to say, I'm now bored of it...

WoB - Happy New Year to you too. Thanks for the Meme!

MM - we are currently clear so I'm watching from afar with amusement.

Heather - You must be far worse affected than us. But bring on the summer...